Fan-Fiction Theater 3000 EPISODE: 002 -- Ghostbuster Torture Begins. Today's Victim: Falkyn -- Chapter 2 by Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) MSTed by Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) and Tory L. Brown (tory_brown@yahoo.com) Disclaimer: The Real Ghostbusters are owned by Sony/DIC and Mystery Science Theatre 3K is owned by Best Brains inc., and We hope they don't mind us using their characters and settings. FFT3K Theme Song Egon: Cue the Theme song, Raymond. Ray: Aye, Aye, Egon! In the not-too-distant future way out and deep in space A mysterious android, name is D, Is in a dark and lonely place Stuck up on SoL, all alone, Why not do an E.T. and grab a phone? He ran some tests until some me-te-ors Made the satellite home for the Ghost-bust-ers... (Peter: "IT'S RAY'S FAULT!!!") (Ray: "IS NOT!") "I'm reading cheesy fanfics, The worst, I can find,(LA LA LA) We'll have to sit and read them all, Or you'll gradually lose your mind!" (LA LA LA) Now keep in mind, the 'busters can't control Where the fanfics begin or end, (LA LA LA) D'll try to keep the sanity Of his newfound 'busting friends! GB Roll Call! Spengler! (We're on!) Zeddemore! (Oh, man!) Ray Stantz! (Check this out...HAI-KEEBA!) Venkmaaaaaan! (Hey, baby!) If you're wonderin' how they eat and breathe And other science facts, Just tell yourself, "It's just a MST," And you should really just relax. For Fan Fiction Theater, 3000! [Guitar twang] Peter: It should be The Real Ghostbusters 3000! *KBANG* Peter: OOOOF! [D retracts the Rocket Fist] STARRING: Spengler, Egon, Dr. 6'3" Blond hair, blue eyes (which happen to be myopic, hence the red glasses) A genius with an exaggerated I.Q. Contains multiple degrees in the field of parapsychology and physics. He is responsible for the creation of the proton packs and the ecto-containment unit. Stantz, Ray, Dr. 5'8" Red hair, brown eyes The youngest member of the group, second to Egon in holding multiple degrees. He specializes in engineering and occult sciences. Egon once said he had the mental state of a six year old. Venkman, Peter, Dr. 5'10" Dk. Brown hair, green eyes All-around idiot (no kidding, Peter: HEY!) Amazingly, he has two Ph.D's, one in psychology and the other in parapsychology. He's actually smarter than he pretends to be. Most trouble they're in, is because of Peter. Zeddemore, Winston, Dr. 5'11" Black hair, brown eyes The only member of the group who doesn't have a Ph.D, he earned his 'Dr' title as an honorary member of Columbia University. The only member of the group who has common sense (Winston: Damn straight!). D 6'0" No hair, yellow eyes A Model 27 High-Density Productivity Android that took residence at the abandoned Satellite of Love. How or why he's there, no one knows. Looks like a cross between Adam of Shining Force and Data from ST: TNG. * * * * [On the VoFF (Formerly known as SoL)...] D: Did you enjoy Falkyn Chapter 1? Egon: It was tolerable... Peter: HEAVY MARTIAL ARTS ACTION!!! Ray: MASTER NINJA THEME SONG!!! Peter: I told you!!! [whacks Ray] D: Well, I am presently in possession of Chapter 2. Winston: Is it better than 1? D: That depends on your defenition of 'better'. If you like drama and plot enhancement, yes; if you like beat-em-up action, there's a little less, if you're into hardcore sex, *COUGH*COUGH*PETER*HACK*COUGH*-- Peter: What the--! Winston: You can cough? D:--Too bad. Let us go to the Fan-Fiction Theater and 'check it out'. All: Movie sign! [Door Sequence: 1 , 2, 3, 4, 5, 6] [They all trail in, sitting down in front of the screen] > Falkyn -- Chapter 2 > By: Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) > >________________________________________________________ Peter: (Bill Gates) Oh dear, seems that Win98 flatlined again....damn. > After being victorious in a tournament held in the country of YahKath >by King LahHroide, Falkyn left for parts unknown. He was accompanied by a >young woman named Li'na, who demanded she go with him. > Winston: --by clunking him upside the head with her luggage. Ray: You're really riding that luggage crack... Peter: That sounded gross... Winston: Shut up! > Falkyn moved effortlessly through the forests of Israe, chopping back >obstructing plant life with his five-foot-long katana. Egon: I can not...must refrain...sexual...comment Winston: [smirking] Hard, ain't it! Egon: Aarugh! D: Then I shall: (Egon) That is the BIGGEST phallic object I've ever seen! Winston: Oh, no! > Li'na followed close Winston: She had to be sure the goods weren't _too_ damaged.. >behind, staying away from the sharp edge of the knife. They both carried >small packs filled with provisions they purchased in Israe. > As the sun began to set, Li'na shivered. "It's getting colder." Peter: (Falkyn) Then let me wrap you with my five-foot katana! Egon: PETER! Peter: What? What? D: I do not comprehend the statement made by Mr. Venkman. Ray: Be glad, D. Be very glad! > Falkyn didn't notice the change in temperature; his black clothing >absorbed the heat given off by the life around him. His eyes peered through >the vegetation, searching for a place to stop for the night. He pushed a >hanging tree branch aside Ray: (Tree branch) Not so hard! You crazy? >and stepped into a clearing. "We can stop here," he said. Winston: Stop...Drop...Roll! > He gathered some stones and placed them in a circular pattern in the >center of the clearing. They both collected some fallen branches and >leaves, which they put in the circle of stones. Falkyn then pulled two >pieces of flint out of his pack, struck them together, and lit the pile of >plant matter. Egon: He then sacrificed a squirrel to the Wine God. Spinning in circles, he fell backwards and did the duck waddle, calling the holy rain. Peter: You were up late again, weren't you? D: No, he sacrified Li'na to the God of Death and drank her blood in an unholy ceremony! Peter: THAT was too sick. Both of you need a time out! > Li'na sat next to Falkyn, still shivering. "Now it's really cold," >she said through chattering teeth. > Falkyn said nothing. He took his shirt off and put it around her, >hoping to warm her up. Peter: Oww! Take it off! Don't stop! Take it off!!! Ray: Uh...You do realize who this is? Peter: Oh yeah...[shudders] But I was talking about Li'na! > As she huddled closer to him, Li'na saw the scars that Falkyn's shirt >had hidden from view. The largest extended from the bottom of his ribcage >to just over his heart. Although he wore a mesh-like suit underneath the >shirt, the scars were clearly visible. Li'na wondered what other scars he >hid. Winston: (Falkyn) See this scar here, yeah, that one. I got this in the Army, playing with paper clips. Sarge warned me not to play airplane with them. Did I listen? Noooo! D: I believe she meant emotional scars. Peter: Maybe she wants to see the scar from that botched circumcision! Ray: If we have to see Falkyn without his pants, I'm outta here! Egon: If I'm forced to witness something that vulgar, I'm with you, Ray! > Falkyn subconsciously put his arm around Li'na's shoulders as he Peter: --snuck his hand toward her firm, rou--OUCH! Egon: Not this time, Venkman! >stared into the golden, dancing fire. "Sometimes," he said, "if you just >watch the flames, you forget about all your problems. You feel the weight >of the world lifted off your shoulders, so you can watch the dancing flame." > Egon: (Falkyn) Duh, pretty colors. Lookit duh pretty colors, Li'na! *drool* Ray: [smacks Egon] Snap out of it! Egon: Ouch! Thank you, Raymond, I was in need of that! > As he watched Li'na sleep silently, Falkyn felt something he hadn't >felt for what seemed like an eternity. Peter: He looked for a private bush to play "five finger hand maiden". Ray: What? [realizes what Peter is hinting to] That's sick! Winston: Only Peter would be able to think of such a name for it. Egon: [oblivous] What? Masturbation? Peter: [smacks his forehead and mutters] Die, Spengler... > He silently spoke to himself. "She wants to be with me, but why? >Could it be just a mindless infatuation? Or is there more than meets the >eye..." Winston: The fool who makes a Transformers joke, will get a smackdown. D: Transformers! [metallic voice] Robots in disguise! Winston: I told you! [Smacks D upside the head, causing a metallic *CLANG*] Peter: Thank you, Winston, because knowing is half the battle. Ray, Peter and Egon: YO JOE! D: Got to get tough! Ray, Peter and Egon: YO JOE! Winston: Sometimes, I really regret answering that ad... > Li'na woke to the sound of metal tearing though flesh. She looked >around to find Falkyn slashing away at a large purple and green reptile. Egon: A purple-- Peter: --and green reptile... Winston: Dear lord... Ray: On three...1....2...3... All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Peter: BARNEY ATTACK!!!!!!!! D: Whatever you do, Barn, just DON'T SING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ray: I love you, you love me--(*KBANG!!!*)--Ooooooooh!!! [D retracts his Rocket Fist from Ray's chest] > The lizard spoke in a mid-range annoying voice. "Don't hurt me! >That's not nice!" Peter: It IS Barney!! Ray: WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!!!! Egon: Dear God, the HORROR!!!! Winston: MOMMY!!!!!!! D: The winner of the "Guess what the Creature is" raffle...[drumroll] Peter Venkman! Peter: I wish I'd lost! > Falkyn wasn't swayed by its pleas. He raised his katana high in the >air and brought it down, cleaving it in two. Although the creature hadn't >fought back, Falkyn was breathing heavily. It was strange; most creatures >would put up some measure of a fight to stay alive, but this one just >pleaded for him to stop. Either way, it would still have ended up breakfast. All: YAY!!! DIE BARNEY DIE!!! D: (Shao Kahn) Fatality! Ray: Or Dinotality... Peter: But I wouldn't eat it for breakfast! Ray: Purple Purina Chow: The breakfast of dinos. > Falkyn cooked the meat of the creature. It tasted odd, but it wasn't >toxic, at least immediately. He and Li'na ate as much as they wanted, then >resumed their trek through the forest to the port. Egon: But little did Falkyn know, the rancid meat ate away at his stomach lining, making him friendly! Peter: [doofy voice] I love you, you love me...let's get together and steal some cheese! D: [gets a confused look] Winston: Where'd you get that? Confused Looks R Us? > Falkyn's senses were razor sharp, Egon: (Li'na falsetto) You hear that? Peter: (Falkyn) Wha? [puts hand to ear] OUCH! Damn razor sharp senses! Winston: Oh man, that was weak! Egon: At least I did not reiterate a certain comment involving luggage. Winston: [eyes narrows] Die, Spengler! >and they came in handy several times, Peter: You know, I could make a very derogatory comment about that. Egon: Why Peter, I did not know that you were acquainted with a word that tremendous. Peter: Die, Spengler! >when they were attacked by other, more vicious creatures, and several Egon: --of Barney's friends. Namely, Baby Bop and BJ. Others: [shudders] >bands of raiders. Although the raiders were big in number, they were small >in brain power, leaving themselves wide open for Falkyn to run them through. > Egon: [glares at Peter] Peter: What dammit?! Egon: Nothing, just checking. Peter: Die, Spengler... > Two more days passed before they got to the port. A pair of the >purple and green reptiles attacked, but again they were torn apart by >Falkyn's superior battle prowess. All: HEAVY MARTIAL ARTS ACTION!! Ray: MASTER NINJA THE---URK! Peter: Aha! I told you I'd kill you if you said that again! [shakes Ray with evil grin] Ray: mrpughtphrghpg!!!! AAARRRUUUGGGHHH!!!! Winston: Uh Peter, the man's turning blue... D: I insist you cease this mindless asphyxiation! > Falkyn booked passage on a ship bound for Island Major the next day, >giving them some time to relax. Egon: Since Island Minor was too crowded. > Li'na was walking down a street, Winston: [singing] Singing do wa diddy, diddy dum diddy doo! Peter: [singing] Snapping her fingers and shuffling her feet! Ray: [singing] Singing do wa diddy, diddy dum diddy doo! Egon: ... Peter: Geez, Egon! You're supposed to sing! Egon: Oh, sorry! > taking in the sights with Falkyn. > "Li'na, why do you insist on going with me?" Falkyn asked. Peter: (Li'na singing) I get so lonely... Winston: Peter, please. My ears! > "I don't know," Li'na replied. "I just have a strange feeling that I >should go with you. Besides, I'm growing to like you!" Peter: (Li'na falsetto) --like mold on bread. Egon: Really? What kind? Peter: [groans] > Falkyn's stony face registered surprise. "What?" > "Yeah," Li'na said. "Underneath that scarred exterior, there's a >young man who needs to experience life. Not this life you've chosen, but >a real life." > Peter: (Li'na falsetto) I just bet you're a virgin... Ray: PETER! Peter: Now YOU?! Egon: That was sub-standard, Venkman. Peter: As I said before: Die, Spengler. > The next day, the two left for Island Major. Falkyn leaned over the >bow of the ship, watching the horizon. D: Or losing his breakfast. Egon: (singing) Near, far, wherever you are. I believe that the heart does go on-- Peter: ARUGH!!! Winston: Don't sing THAT! Ray: ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!! Peter: Is that from that movie you and Janine are always simpering about?! Egon: Ahem, it was a very good film. Ray: They never make it to the end. They're usually too busy cleaning each other's tonsils. Peter: [shudders] I didn't need to hear that. Winston: So that's what that snuffling sound was. Egon: [turning red] > "You all right?" Li'na asked, approaching behind him. Peter: (Falkyn) After listen to that clown sing about Titanic, I'm about to jump! > "I'm thinking about what you said last night," Falkyn replied, still >staring out over the ocean. "But I cannot give up my life as a fighter. It >is all I know how to do." He turned to look at Li'na. "Do you have a >family somewhere?" > "No," Li'na replied sadly. "My parents died soon after I was born. >My aunt and uncle raised me after that. What about you?" Peter: (Falkyn) Well, I was once a star on Different Strokes. Alas, the Different Strokes curse got to me too, hence these scars... Winston: You realize that comment was so obscure, no one under the age of 23 will get it? Peter: [darkly] I don't give a flying rat's butt. Ray: I wouldn't take it either! D: Even I don't get it. > "I never even knew my parents," Falkyn said. "I lived in an >orphanage until I escaped when I was fifteen. Since then, I fought my way >through life, being scarred all the way." Peter: (Falkyn) Be it kicking cows or stealing little old lady's purses, I survived. Winston: Great, someone's getting dark. D: (Falkyn) Hi, I'm Falkyn, and I'm a kleptomaniac. (Kleptomaniacs Anonymous members) Hello, Falkyn. > "That's awful," Li'na said. "How did you survive alone like that?" Peter: (Falkyn) Didn't I tell you!? Egon: (Li'na falsetto) Sorry, I was too busy looking at your scars...how lovely... Peter: (Falkyn) Aah! > Falkyn turned back to the ocean. "I stole what I needed to live, Ray: [singing] Gotta eat to live, gotta steal to eat. Otherwise we'd get along! Winston: WRONG! SHADDUP! >knowing full well what would happen if I was caught. As I got older, I fell >in with the wrong crowd." He turned back to Li'na and pointed at the scar >running down his left eye. "I got this as a reminder of when they 'fired' >me. After that, well, it's a long story." D: Ouch. Egon: Do tell, I love a hot story. Winston: [sighs] Ray, can you wake me when the bad jokes stop? Ray: No, I can't do that Winston. Winston: Why? Ray: Because they'll never stop. You'd slide into a coma. > "I want to hear everything," Li'na said, leaning in closer. Peter: (Li'na falsetto)Kiss me, you ugly wretch..[snaps out of mode] ARGH! > Falkyn began again. "I kept running into them over the next ten >years. Each time, they gave me another scar. They only account for about a >dozen scars. The rest I recieved in battle. I eventually recieved formal >training from an old man. When I left, he said Ray: Mi nombre es Ray Stantz, ju keeled mi padre, prepare to die! Peter: Damn Ray, can't you get ANYTHING right?! Ray: What?! Peter: It's "My name is Aldo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die!" Gah! Ray: Well excuse me to heck! D: You still remember the Portugese Man 'O War? Did you know he made the WWF Hall of Shame because he can't put athletic equipment on properly? Peter: THAT'S what that is?! >that one day, there would be someone who I must protect with my life. He >didn't say who it would be, only that I would know when they came into my >life." He looked into her eyes. "I think I know who it is now." > "Who?" Li'na asked. > "You." Winston: I guess that luggage smack did some good. Egon: You and your luggage. Winston: Die, Spengler. Egon: [smug look] > Li'na smiled a little. "I'm flattered you think that way," she said. > The sun slowly sank over the horizon as they talked. "It's getting >late," Falkyn said. "Maybe we should continue in the morning." > Peter: (Falkyn) If you LIVE 'til the morning. MUHAHAHAHAHAR!!! Winston: Feeling dark today, Pete? Peter: Damn straight! That Titanic song just got me worked up. Ray: More like worked over. Listening to Egon sing is like listening to a chicken choke. Which is what I'm going to do if he sings it one more TIME! Winston: [glaring at Egon] See what you did! Egon: [innocent] I've done nothing! > The next morning, the ship was almost at the port. Falkyn decided >that their next stop would be Westor, a place of mountains and forests. Peter: Lots of toilet paper fodder. Ray: That's disgusting. > Not more forests, Li'na had thought when he told her about it. Egon: (Li'na falsetto) I've heard of having a green thumb, but a green behind!? Others: EWWWWW!!!! D: That is fairly sickening to think of. Ray: That's even more disgusting! > The ship docked in the afternoon. They left the port town and made >their way to Westor. Peter: [Makes a W with his hand] WESTOR SIDE!!! D: [Make an E with his hand] Eastam Side! Ghostbusters: Huh? > "Why did you decide we're going to Westor?" Li'na asked, following >Falkyn over a dirt path. Ray: (Falkyn) Look, sister! You're following me, that means we go where *I* say, no questions! Capice!? Winston: (Li'na falsetto) Eh, faget abaht it! Peter: That reminds me, I have to return that "Donnie Brasco" tape! > Without turning to her, Falkyn replied, "I hear there's something up >there that could be worth a little money, but that's not the reason. You >have no real battle training, correct?" Winston: (Li'na falsetto) Besides wielding an Uzi and a 9mm, uhh...yes? D: Hapkido, Tae-kwon-do, or Muay Thai? > "Um, I guess so." Li'na only knew what she had already seen, and >that wasn't much. > "Then this would be a good idea," Falkyn told her. "If you so insist >on coming with me, you must be able to hold your own in combat." > Peter: (Falkyn) Strip and let us wrestle! Winston: Looks like Pete's back in 'ecchi' mode.. Peter: Hah Zed, I never left! D: I believe you mean 'hentai', the Japanese word for 'perverted'. Egon: "Hentai" "Ecchi" Either one is fine for Peter. > A couple hours later, they came across a gang. They were of assorted >shapes and sizes, but they all carried switchblades, brass knuckles, and >chains. Winston: You'd think one of them would have the sense to have a gun. Egon: Considering the fantasy style of the story, guns don't exist. Winston: You just have an answer for everything, don't you. Egon: Well, I try. Winston: [mumbles] Chump... > "Sorry pal!" a fat, pale-skinned one said. "Can't go troo' here!" D: It looks like they are in desperate need of grammar lessons. > "Yeah, ya gotta pay us fifty to get troo', or ya don't go nowhere!" >another one said. This one wore a bandanna and a ripped jeans jacket. Winston: Oh no! Ray: (thug) --Cuz dis be our neck of da woods and if you don't pay, you gon' be dead! Peter: (thug) Me and my boyz will be regulating on dat ass, if you don't come up wit dat fiddy dollas!!! Egon: (thug) Uh...Huh. Wat's yo name, foo'!! Peter: (thug) Break yo self foo'!! Ray: (thug) Awwwwww... SNAP! Egon: (thug) What, what, WHAT!! Winston: Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached our 'Ebonics' quotient for tonight, thank you. Really Egon, I never thought you would succumb to such retardation. Egon: [still in thug mode] It be fun! Winston: [groans] > Falkyn raised his eyebrow. "Fifty? If I'm not mistaken, that's Peter: (thug) Dammit, I sayed fiddy! >highway robbery. Then again, you're highway robbers, aren't you?" Peter: (thug) No, we're pirates, ARRR! Ray: Shiver me timbers! Egon: 16 men on a dead man's chest! Peter: Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum! D: Drink and the devil had done for the rest! Peter: Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum! Ray: Pieces of eight! Egon: Polly want a cracker! All except Winston: ARRRRRR!!! Winston: Great, first Ebonics, now Piraonics... D: And next, Moronics... > A bald black one walked up to him. He looked him eye-to-eye and >said, "Wiseguy, huh? Well, iffn' ya ain't paying da toll, 'den ya bein' >ripped!" His switchblade flashed out of its sheath and plunged for Falkyn's >abdomen. Winston: AGAIN! I say, we've reached the 'Ebonics' quotient for tonight. Next one that even says 'we be' will answer to me. Egon: We be sorry! Ray and Peter: [snickers] Winston: [reaches over and **SLAPS** the hell out of Egon] D: Killer Pimp Slap!!! Egon: [glasses askew] --the hell?! Winston: I did it out of love man, just remember that. Ray and Peter: [bursts out laughing] Winston: Keep laughing and you're next. Ray and Peter: Eep... > Falkyn saw the blade and whirled away. He caught the ganger's other >arm and snapped it over his head. Winston: [glares at the three] Others: [innocent expressions] What?! > The black ganger clutched his dislocated shoulder, writhing and >whining in agony. > "Just let us through!" Li'na said. "We didn't do anything to you!" > The fat one got off the rock he was sitting on and approached her >with an evil look in his eyes. "Hey, who's da slitch?" Winston: (Ash) Slitch, bitch, I'm the one with the Uzi! > Falkyn's eyes flashed maroon, and he almost literally flew at the fat >ganger. He threw his fist at the side of his head, middle knuckle extended. Egon: Flip him the bird! >The knuckle made impact with the fat man's temple, killing him instantly. Winston: I didn't know the Fist of the North Star was in this! D: I don't think even the author knew! >Falkyn turned to face the remaining ganger. the glow in Falkyn's eyes was >enough to make the ganger run for his life. Ray: Run, Forrest, RUN! D: Go, Speed Racer! Go, Speed Racer! > Meanwhile, the black ganger managed to get back to his feet. He >sneaked behind Li'na and held his switchblade tight against her throat. >"Don't make me kill her, man!" he said. Egon: (thug) Cuz-- [sees Winston rearing back] uh...nevermind! > Falkyn slowly withdrew his katana from its hidden sheath. Peter: That must HURT! D: [sighs and shakes his head] > With precision, he aimed for the ganger's head and threw with all his >available muscle power. D: (Muscle Power) I'm numbaaaahhhhh one! > The blade of the katana entered the ganger's skull right through his >forehead, dicing his poorly-used brain. His muscles tightened reflexively, >causing him to pull the switchblade across Li'na's throat. D: Anime fighting! All: HEAVY MARTIAL ARTS ACTION!!! Peter: [glares at Ray] Ray: Don't look at me... [under his breath] Master Ninja Theme Song, heh, heh. > Li'na clutched her throat, the skin broken and her windpipe slightly >cut. She could still breathe, but the pain from the wound was nearly >unbearable. Ray: (Li'na gasping) I.....took....acting.....lessons....from....Shatner... Peter: Rosebud! > Falkyn rushed over to her. "Are you all right?" he asked. Egon: (Li'na falsetto) Uh, no. My windpipe is nearly hanging out here! > Li'na's slightly Asian face was contorted in pain as she tried to >breathe. She couldn't respond, the pain was so great. Peter: Whoa, since when has pain been the equivalent of an orgasm? Egon: He means incredible pain...the kind you're going to feel if you don't shut up! Peter: Understandable. > Falkyn went through his knowledge of wound treatment. Ray: Which consisted of a dead lizard and an emerald. Winston: What?! Egon: Nice, Ray. Very obscure. Peter: Very. D: I just did catch the Dragonlance reference. Ray: D! You gave it away! > He ripped a >length off his shirt and wrapped it snugly around Li'na's throat. He >tightened it enough that it would stop the bleeding and protect her >breathing passage, but not so tight as to stop her from breathing altogether. All: HEAVY DRAMA ACTION!!! Egon: [clears throat] Near--MURHOGH! Peter: Sing that song again, will you? Take this! [throttles Egon] > "I owe you," Li'na said weakly. Ray: (Falkyn) Visa or Mastercard? Or do you have Discover? > Falkyn picked her up off the ground. "Don't worry. We're almost at >the base of the mountains. We can stop there for the night." > Ray: And your little dog, too...MUHAHAHAHAHAR! D: Excuse me? Peter: Ignore him...he has these moments. > The two made camp at the base of the mountain, as Falkyn said. > "Tomorrow," Falkyn announced, "I will begin with some easy skills. >When I feel you're ready, we can work up from there." Egon: (Li'na falsetto) Why don't you start *here*. Peter: (Falkyn) Hachi mama! D: I think you mean "kawaii otome"! Peter: Heh? D: Cute maiden, or, for the intellectually challenged, *COUGH*COUGH*PETER* HACK*COUGH, hot babe. Peter: I heard that, laughing boy! D: I do not laugh. > Li'na wanted to say something, but her throat hurt too much. Peter: That's too easy... D: Then refrain from making the statement. > "Your throat will heal in time," Falkyn said. "Then it will become >just a scar, a reminder of battle." He took his shirt off and pointed to a >scar across the side of his neck. "I got this one in almost the same manner Ray: As a thief who steals necklaces... >you did: I had a switchblade pressed against my carotid artery, ready to >snuff my existence. Luckily, the cut didn't kill me, and I could fight the >person who decided to toy with Death." Peter: Death also hates it when you ring his doorbell and run. D: Or leave a burning bag of dog-doo on his doorstep, ring his doorbell, and run. Man, are you in for a REALLY short life then! Egon: (Death) Damn ruffians! I'll make sure to use Salmon mousse! > Li'na laughed quietly, then clutched her throat. > "I'm sorry," Falkyn said. "I won't make you talk or laugh until your >throat heals." D: Major change in Falkyn's demeanor! Egon: (Enlisted man) Major Change, SIR! [salutes] > She got up and sat down beside him. She put her head on his shoulder >and looked at the scars across his body. Peter: ...... Egon: What was that for? Peter: Just ......ing for the hell of it. Egon: Oh. > "This one," Falkyn said, pointing at the scar that went from his >collarbone to between his pectoral muscles, "came from a heavy two-handed >sword someone pulled on me. He ended up in hospital after he lost his >balance wielding that weapon and I laid him open from here," Egon: Another brilliant foe? Ray: He's so brilliant he couldn't light a closet. > he put his >index finger on his left trapezius muscle, "to here," and traced an >imaginary line across his chest to his other trapezius. Peter: And this muscle here... [points to crotch] Egon: Stop that thought right there. Peter: You're such a stick in the mud! Egon: Stick I have: Yes.... Peter: Never mind, Egon. I understand. > Li'na pointed to the largest one, running from the bottom of Falkyn's >ribcage to over his sternum. > "This one has a long story behind it," Falkyn said, "but I have >trouble remembering it. All I know about it is that the weapon that caused >it was the most powerful weapon I had ever seen, and probably ever will >see." Peter: ....... Egon: .......ing again? Peter: Yep! Ray: ^^^^^^^^^ Winston: Just isn't your day, is it? > Li'na half-listened to his tale. She was just watching the sun set >through the forest. She wondered if she could crack Falkyn's cold, emotion- >less exterior and get to the real man underneath it all. > All: HEAVY... uh...STORY ACTION! Ray: God, that was lame. Peter: Well, think of something better! If it's Master Ninja Theme Song, you can forget it! Ray: Uh, nevermind. > The next day Falkyn and Li'na trekked up the mountain. The sun had >begun its descent from its noon-high position when Falkyn began Li'na's >combat training. Egon: (Falkyn) Step 1: Pick up gun, Step 2: aim and pull trigger, Step 3: watch the gory remains of your victim's head splatter around you. Peter: Egon! That was dark! D: But suitable for an anime movie. > "The first thing you need to know," he explained, "is what your >opponent's weaknesses are." Winston: (Falkyn) Yes sir, the ol' knee to the groin. One swift jab and HAI- KEEBA! The victim is out! All: [wince in sympathy and writh in their seats] Peter: [eyes roll back in his head as he falls from his chair] Ray: Uh, let's keep the physical puns to a minimum. D: That was psychological, Dr. Stantz. > Suddenly, his index and middle fingers shot forward, stopping short >of the area above Li'na's cut. "See? Your weakness is you don't keep your >guard up when someone talks to you. You have to take caution to prevent >that from happening. Now, I'll do that again, but you have to deflect the >attack, all right?" Peter: (Falkyn) I'll just aim for your p--HEY! Egon: [putting newspaper away] That was just too dirty. Peter: I meant to say pinkie! Winston: Yeah and I'm a white man from the Poconos! D: The where? Peter: [whispering] Place in New York... > Li'na nodded. She was shaken from Falkyn's near-fatal attack, but >managed to hear what he said. She paid close attention to Falkyn's hands, >how he kept them hooked like sickles, ready to slash through unsuspecting >flesh and bone... D: Is that Falkyn or Iori Yagami? > She almost didn't see it. The opposite hand flashed out, ready to >enter her neck and rend flesh. Her reflexes took complete control, causing >her to side-step and catch the oncoming hand. She held the wrist tight and >twisted, turning Falkyn's arm upside-down. Winston: KIKOKEN! Peter: HADOKEN! Ray: SHORYUKEN! Egon: [takes a deep breath] TATSUMAKISENPUKYAKU! Peter: --the hell?! D: CHOHATSUDENSETSU! [Starts rolling around, doing Dan-esque taunts, signs a picture of himself, and throws it at Peter] Peter: --the hell was THAT?! > "Good," Falkyn muttered. "I myself wasn't expecting that. But, were >you expecting this?" He rolled forward, twisted underneath his arm, flipped >forward, grabbed Li'na's wrist, and twisted in the same manner. D: Lucha flips! Peter: Apple flips! > As Falkyn twisted, Li'na was pulled with her wrist, flipping over >completely and landing on her back. "Ah!" Li'na gasped in mixed surprise >and pain. Falkyn had a lot of experience in the hand-to-hand combat >background that she didn't even know about. Ray: Well, he *IS* a martial arts expert! DUH! > "Did I hurt you?" Falkyn asked. He was puzzled: mainly because he >had no idea Li'na had untapped potential, but also that he never talked to >anyone this much. Peter: Sheesh, Egon's got more social skills than this guy! Egon: I take that very personal. A worm has more social skills than Falkyn! > Only since he had met Li'na that he actually said much of >anything to anyone, and if he did, more than one sentence. Ray: (Falkyn) You, die! > "Not really," Li'na gasped. Her throat had healed enough over the >night that she could talk without pain. As Falkyn helped her to her feet, >she purposely tripped, falling right into his chest. Winston: (Li'na falsetto) HAI-KEEBA! Egon: (Falkyn) Li'na--OOOF! Peter: [eyes roll back as he slumps out his chair, falling to the floor... again] D: Somebody call 911. Winston: 911! > Falkyn caught her quickly. As Li'na regained her balance, Falkyn >said, "let's continue, shall we?" > Although Li'na wanted to continue, inside she was upset. Darn fool, >she thought, he's not picking it up! Why? What do I have to do? Peter: (Li'na falsetto) Guess I'll have to strip now! Egon: [thwaps Peter] Peter: Dammit, stop that! D: I said earlier: there is no sexual content to be found in this series. Peter: [grumbles incoherently] > "Is there something wrong?" Falkyn asked. "I can't really console >you if you need it, I'm afraid." Ray: Falkyn failed Social Skills 101...the remedial class! > As Falkyn was talking, Li'na balled her fists. She turned around and >punched with all her might, landing a blow square between Falkyn's eyes. He >fell, or rather, flew, backwards with the impact. D: Looks like Falkyn lives up to his namesake for once. >He landed hard and lay there for a moment, pondering what had just entered >his head, almost literally. Egon: What? My foot!? Winston: Down, Egon! > Li'na ran over beside him and crouched down, her eyes welling with >crystalline tears. "I'm sorry," she sobbed. "I'm sorry." Peter: Crystalline? Is she hiding something? > No pain registered on Falkyn's face. He was used to having fists >flying at him from all directions, so a quick shot to the face didn't hurt >at all. Actually, he was surprised. He had let his guard down, and >recieved a surprising shot. Ray: Surprise! D: *BLAM* > "Such a zetz you gave me!" he said, staring into the sky. "Have you >been practising punches before I met you?" D: (Rabbi) Oi, am I shvitzin'! Ray: (Falkyn) You big brute! > Li'na stopped sobbing. "No..." she trailed off before she could >finish her sentence. She looked down at Falkyn, a small bruise forming >above his nose, and imitated him, saying, "Did I hurt you?" She smiled and >started laughing. Peter: (Li'na falsetto) Want me to do it again?! [makes whipcracking noises] > Something inside Falkyn reawoke from an ages-long sleep, and he felt >himself start to laugh. It was a light chuckle at first, but it turned into >a full roaring laugh soon afterward. > Winston: Hahaha--oh screw it! > The next few months were uneventful. Falkyn trained Li'na in the >ways of armed and unarmed combat, stealth, and other abilities that Falkyn >felt she would need for what he had in mind next. Peter: WILD RODEO SEX!!! YEEEEHAAAAWWW!!! Egon: Dear lord... D: Somebody spray him with the hose, and FAST! And by the way, it's over. Winston: Yeah! Another one down! D: Don't be too quick to cheer; I have Chapter 3 through 17 for you. [The color drains from everyone's faces] Peter: 3...through...17...? D: As long as the Ecto-1000 is scrapped, you're stuck here, so enjoy them. [They get up and exit the theatre] [Door sign: 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1] Peter: [grumbling under his breath and glaring at D] D: Why do you look at me like that? Peter: If I'm stuck here reading this stuff, couldn't they at least have ONE sex scene!? D: Like I said before, there are no scenes of that nature. Peter: NOOOOOO!!!!!! Others: [starts laughing] D: Oh well. [pushes the button] [ FWOOOOOOOOOSH! ] \ | / \ | / \ | / \|/ -----O----- /|\ / | \ / | \ / | \ [Screen grows dark, voices overheard] "It's not fair, it's not fair I tell you!" "Calm down!" "I WON'T! I want to go home!!!!" "Sorry, the Ecto-1000 is still trashed." "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" ________________________________________________________________________ "Falkyn, Chapter 2" by: Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) SHAMELESS PLUGS: You can find the rest of Falkyn the MSTing at: http://winston_zeddemore.tripod.com/Falkyn Tory's Real Ghostbusters Webpage: http://winston_zeddemore.tripod.com Komera Waddi's RPG and Interactive Stories: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Stadium/4989/ EMAIL US! Tory L. Brown (tory_brown@yahoo.com) Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) _________________________________________________________________________ > "Yeah, ya gotta pay us fifty to get troo', or ya don't go nowhere!" >another one said. This one wore a bandanna and a ripped jeans jacket. Winston: Oh no! Ray: (thug) --Cuz dis be our neck of da woods and if you don't pay, you gon' be dead! Peter: (thug) Me and my boyz will be regulating on dat ass, if you don't come up wit dat fiddy dollas!!! Egon: (thug) Uh...Huh. Wat's yo name, foo'!! Peter: (thug) Break yo self foo'!! Ray: (thug) Awwwwww... SNAP! Egon: (thug) What, what, WHAT!! Winston: Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached our 'Ebonics' quotient for tonight, thank you. Really Egon, I never thought you would succumb to such retardation. Egon: [still in thug mode] It be fun! Winston: [groans]